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I did manage to get a degree but, unfortunately, it was in dance which I don't have any interest in anymore... About four years ago, after trying to find happiness by changing locations (something I have tried many times), I came back to my parents completely defeated.

I still made a couple of escape attempts after that but none of them were successful. Life coach, career counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, church, yoga, meditation, you name it, I have tried it.

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I just don't know how I am going to survive with the sadness and frustration that I feel so much of the time.

I hate living here and I see no way out for about a year.

eventually i got to orange county, then the valley and finally in los angeles now. I mean it actually broke me & has over ended me as a person. All those years of not coping with our marital bad and abuse finally caught up with me.

My hope, my belief, my trust, my always seeing a shred of good in even the worst, the "things will work out in the end" light in my dark. I've compartmentalized myself into about a patch work quilt and now that I'm aged I can attest to having my first real mid- life crisis hasn't been easy nor good for the job I am clinging to with white knuckles.

I see no way out of the sadness and suffering that I feel and the years just keep on passing.

I attempt to feel grateful for what I have but then I just start crying.

Also, something that I hope will be helpful is You Tube ... Yes, I am too have been holding life's $h1t stick for the time being.

Patrick Doyle, from The he speaks about a lot of very important issues: Emotional Abuse, Feeling Hopeless, Where do you get your value? It has helped me tremendously, as well as many other people. I was obsessed and figured out every thing i would need to make it happen and what i already had that was asset. I am an RN and the thoughts of returning to work is more than I can imagine. All the while I became someone mentally I've never been in terms of feeling so lost & depressed I couldn't care less b/c I was just thankful I was working for "something" while paying my supposed dues.

Point is this- not to long ago my earth shattered and I had no choice but to ride out the emotional tidal wave; I still am in full swing it seems on some days.

But on others I can feel the positivity seeping through...truthfully I was hard pressed that I would recover without drooling on myself got rest of my life lol.

If you don't know this, you will not be able to see what a 'healthy relationship' with any other person is. April 5th, married to an older, at times stressing idiot acting individual.

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